Goodbye Grandma Bunt

We received news on saturday that Bill's grandmother had passed away. Grandma Bunt had struggled with alzheimers and a host of other health problems in the last few years. So on one level, as when anyone passes away that has struggled with illness and pain, it is a relief. But, it leaves the family with a gaping hole. Grandma Bunt was an incredible woman. I always felt loved and welcomed by her.
We both instantly felt like a safe had been dropped on our heads when we heard the news. We saw it coming for a while, but I guess you are never really prepared for death. We went over to see Grandpa at the retirement home in Cupertino. The poor thing looked so so tired. He was surrounded by his family and he definitely took some solace in that. There were moments, glimmers when you could see he was trying to fathom what had happened. He would just say over and over, "I just can't believe it." He has lost his soulmate, his sweetheart. They were married just after world war II. I can't imagine what he must be feeling, to lose someone that has been with you through it all for so long. She was such a neat lady. Always content to be the support structure but always so happy to have her family nearby and all the joy that they have brought her.
Bill's mom and uncle were busy making preparations for the rosary and funeral this week so we tried to stay with grandpa as much as we could.
Bill seems ok. He said that strangely, having Callie around made him feel a little better about it. Like, her presence is a reminder that the wheel is always coming around again. I know that we haven't really processed the fact that she is gone. Its just been a whirlwind of craziness, added to an already crazy time of year.
Christmas is definitely going to be strange. I just can't believe I won't see Grandma snuggled up on the couch next to grandpa as they watch all the kids open presents. You will definitely be missed Grandma. I am so glad my daughter got to meet you, I'm just sorry we didn't have more time together.

Thankless

I got to thinking the other day, motherhood is probably the most thankless job I have ever had in many respects. It all started with something that Bill said when we were walking back from the Shark Tank after Callie's first sharks game. I was jibing him about waking her up during her morning nap. He explained that he was getting her stuff transferred back to my car and said "That's the thanks I get?" To which I said, "And what thanks do I get?" And its true, as a mom of an infant you don't get much. When you are working in a traditional job you receive thanks and feedback. If I was teaching, I would get a "Thanks for going over my essay with me Ms. CG." or "Thanks for that review session." or "Good morning" even! Sometimes that thanks is simply monetary. That is communicative of a job well done. My "employer" can't talk and say "Thanks mom, you rock." "Thanks mom for making my food." Thanks mom for wiping my ass 8 times a day." "Thanks mom for making sure I'm safe and loved." Moms do all of those things and so much more but sometimes it just seems expected. Sometimes I feel like I am taken for granted around here. If we had Callie in day care we would be giving her caretaker thanks in the form of money. I guess sometimes I would just like to hear that I am doing a good job because everyone needs that from time to time.
On the other hand, motherhood is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Maybe I get my thanks from Callie through her smiles and her ridiculously adorable laugh. I feel thanked when she gives me that sloppy open mouthed kiss on half of my face. I feel thanked when she snuggles into my neck and goes to sleep. I feel thanked when she looks up at me with sleepy eyes and plays with my hair. I feel thanked when I think about how blessed I am, even if no one says it out loud to me.

Lemon Ricotta Cookies

So I've been bitten by the holiday cookie bug. Big time! I came across this recipe from the food network and thought I would give it a try. The cookie itself is pretty decent. More cakelike than I thought it would be. The icing didn't taste all that fabulous though. You could definitely taste the powdered sugar. So, being me, I added ginger:) I had Bill try it and he said it was good. Not the remark I was looking for. I am looking for a truly great cookie. He recommended using the topping I use for my famous crack muffins. Which is basically lemon zest mixed with sugar crumbled on top. So that's what I did. I'm not convinced it is truly great, but it is definitely lemony!

First Sleepover at Grandma's House

So tonight is the night. This is the night that I would have given my left arm for in the first few months of Callie's life. A night where our house was silent. And now? I am dreading it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my mom or her ability to care for Callie and love her so completely. I hope she doesn't take this personally. This is about me. Obviously, she knows what to do, she's raised 2 kids already! And she was the one we called on the first night home from the hospital when formula was shooting out of Callie's nose! She was the one who volunteered to help when I was descending into the darkness. She was the one that got puked on after Callie's first vaccinations. She is not the stereotypical grandma telling you "You know what you need to do is..." And I have really appreciated the fact that Bill and I have been able to navigate the triumphs and pitfalls of new parenting without too many slip ups.
I know they are going to have a great time. I just don't know how I am going to do. So, we decided to make a night of it, Bill and I are going to see Passion Pitt in Santa Cruz. Otherwise, I was afraid I would be sneaking outside my mom's house and peering in the window until one of her neighbors would call the police! I know she will be safe, warm, loved and entertained. I guess I just don't know how to be without her. Its one thing to go out on date night for an hour or two, but a whole night? A whole night knowing she isn't in the next room? A night where we aren't giving her a bath and hearing her giggle and splash and babble? A morning where I don't just tiptoe into her room and watch her sleeping and watch her slowly wake up until she recognizes me and smiles a smile that lights up so much that it could power a whole house?
But I know its the right thing for her to have these nights and for me too, I suppose. I want her to have a great relationship with her grandma. I still remember having sleepovers at my grandma's house. She would always have butterscotch pudding ready in the fridge for us. I want Callie to have that too. The fun times at grandma's house. A place where she can play and make cookies and chase the hens around the yard and laugh at Jack the dog.

I've brought it up in my mom's support group and with other mom friends and the response is the same from most of them. First their eyes widen and then they say something like "Ooooh. Yikes. I don't know if I could do that. Let me know how that goes." I certainly will. Hopefully the police won't be involved:)

Daycare Dilemmas

So I've started looking into the day care situation for when/if I go back to work in the fall. Unfortunately, I am up against the clock, since I have to inform the district by February 1st if I intend to take another year of child care leave. The plan was always for me to go back in the fall and teach 2 classes. But do I want to go back? An emphatic no. Which is kinda crazy. The last 7 months have become a roller coaster. After I had Callie, I really struggled with the adjustment and would have gone back to work in a heartbeat. But I just love the time I have with Callie. I love all the snuggles, the smiles, the laughs, the new things she does everyday. I hate to miss any of it.
But anyway, I started to look into daycares. I really love the Montessori model. I visited one this week in Almaden. The facilities weren't terribly updated but what they are doing is pretty impressive. They have really good ratios of teachers to kids and they offer half day day care rates, which is what we are looking at. I just didn't see the point of paying $1500 or more for care that we weren't really using. The location is called Tomorrow Montessori. Really the only drawback is the location, it is in the opposite direction for both Bill and I. They charge around $980 for infants for half day until they are 18 months when they go to the toddler room. They help with toilet training, take care of breakfast, snack and lunches. When they are 2 1/2 they move into the preschool rooms. It is a true interdisciplinary approach to learning. They are studying continents and in their study they examine geography, history, culture and food. The more I heard about the program the cooler it sounded. The socialization looked wonderful as well as the fact that each child's individuality is valued and built upon. The socialization aspect is what I wanted the most, since Callie will be almost a year and a half when August rolls around. We thought about having a nanny, but I think the socialization aspect is really important.
Yesterday evening I filled Bill in on the highlights on the school. And we started doing some loose calculations on how much money I would be making and asking ourselves if it was worth it financially. We estimated that I would be taking home around $1400 a month. Wrongo. I emailed our payroll guy at the District Office and it would be closer to $1800. So that was a nice surprise. The nice thing about it is it opens up the possibility for another Montessori school in sunnyvale that I had 86ed because of the price. So I will check it out on Tuesday.
Am I still torn about it, you bet. I didn't use to understand how women could be stay at home moms and be happy, but now I totally get it. I consider myself incredibly blessed that I was able to stay at home for Callie's first year. I know there are a lot of people that don't have that luxury.

Gettin' Crafty Part 2

So, while I was pregnant I assumed that I would feel crafty and do a bunch of sewing projects for Callie. So I bought all this cute bird fabric for a quilt for her. The idea of sewing seemed so unattractive for some reason.
Then the other day it hit me! Bill and I were talking about how excited I was for Callie's first Christmas. I told him that I was going to look on Etsy for a personalized stocking for her. Then he says:"You should make one for her." My first thought was, ugh. groan. Why would I do it when I can pay someone else to do it for me? Then I thought, it would be nice to tell Callie about how I made her stocking especially for her. And I thought of Bill's tattered stocking that his mom made him.
Ugh. Ok. So I started looking at a few websites about how to make a stocking. It looked simple enough. I know, I know. Famous last words. Since Bill was feeling crummy and Callie was a little fussy, I thought the best way for him to get some rest today was if we girls just left for a couple of hours. So we did. I wasn't going anywhere near any malls so we went to Beverly's Fabric just to get some ideas. I was thinking that finding some pre-quilted fabric would be a nice easy way to get the job done. Beverly's didn't really have any. So we went to Eddies in Sunnyvale. They had some beautiful fabric.

I like it, its not too overly cutesy, so I'm hoping she won't mind it when she is older. It is nice and thick so I won't even need to mess with interfacing. Or have to find coordinating fabric for the lining!

And then what did I spy with my little eye? A holiday sewing class! Perfect! I knew that would keep me on track, rather than this becoming another unfinished project pile. The class sounds great, its on a saturday (Dec 11) from 1-4 and you can choose from 4 projects, the stocking, an elf stocking (which has an exaggerated toe), a wine bag or a holiday fabric bowl. I got the supply list and started shopping with a purpose. The supply list called for white minky fabric for the cuff, but they didn't have any flat minky. And I really wanted to put Callie's name on her stocking. I was worried that if I did some iron on letters they wouldn't stick (that plan has since changed). The lady working there recommended flannel instead, so upstairs I went. They had some great print flannels so I ended up buying some cute fabric for a simply baby blanket for Callie which I churned out this evening! At last! Success! A sewing project completed for my girl!
I love the mermaids and the other side has seastars on it.

Back to the matter at hand...I found some flannel for Callie's stocking. I opted for the green flannel for the cuff and I've decided to make an applique of her name out of the white.

I think it will make for a really nice contrast. I'm thinking of doing a paper template of the applique first and just cutting it out before the class, so I have one less thing to worry about.
So that's my plan! If it goes really badly, I know that Callie won't really notice/know about christmas stockings, so really I have a whole year to get it done :)

Callie's 1st Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful day yesterday. We all got up and headed to Noah's for a bagel and since I had gotten 20 minutes in on the eliptical yesterday (not my usual 30, that is another post) I was going to treat myself to an eggnog latte. Oh how I love it when the eggnog reappears on the cafe menus! Bill was getting our bagels and I was next door at Peet's getting my latte, but it was not to be! So sad! They were out of eggnog! They kept calling "mara" to change my order, but of course I wasn't responding to it. So I had to wait 15 minutes to not get an eggnog latte. Oh well. Soy peppermint mocha it was instead.
After that we decided just to head over to grandma tere's house way early so we could visit with my mom and aunt patty before everyone else got there. I'm glad we did! Callie was so excited in the car over there. She was so happy to have the dog trapped next to her!

It was so fun just to relax and smell all those wonderful thanksgiving smells!

We went outside so Callie could hang out with the hens again. This was also Milo's first introduction to them. We weren't quite sure what he would do, and honestly, he was pretty confounded by them! At one point he did chase one of them, the black one and she managed to get her neck caught in the chicken wire! It was a little scary there for a minute until Grandma Tere came to the rescue and untangled the poor bird!
Callie meets her Great Aunt Patty
I'm ready for turkey! Well, maybe next year...

Soon everyone else got there...
Callie and her Uncle Dave
You're getting sleepy....
Callie did really with all the excitement. She even got a bowl of her very own sweet potatoes!

She didn't devour them the way she does with the more orangey yams, but she did well. We all, of course, ate too much and just wanted to crash. But it was such a great day. Most of the day I kept thinking about last year's thanksgiving, because that is when we told our families that we were having a little girl. From that day on I had fantasized about these wonderful family holidays, the familiar smells and feelings with a new human to share them with.
Unfortunately, I think Miss Callie got a little overwhelmed because she didn't go down to sleep as easily as she usually does. Poor Bill got a nasty cold this morning, so that has put a damper on the holiday spirit around here, but hopefully he will kick it to the curb soon.

Gettin' Crafty

Before I had Callie, I loved to craft. I was an avid quilter, sewer. I obviously haven't been able to do much in that department since before she was born. One day I was looking at her baby book and I really wasn't happy with it, it felt pretty restrictive. So I thought..."Hmm. You know what would be perfect would be a scrapbook."
I know, how very stereotypical stay at home mom. But whatever.
Soon my next thought was, "Ugh. That's a lot of work. If I try to do it myself I will never get it done. But if I enlist the help of others?" So I sent an email out to the madres. I was a little apprehensive about the email, because it seemed so stereotypical to be scrapbooking. But I really wanted to create something for Callie documenting her first year. I was so glad that a bunch of moms wanted to work on scrapbooks too! So we decided to meet once a month for a few hours at a time, a sort of moms night in. I went to the local scrapbook store and bought some papers and few other choice items. It was such a fun night! We opened some wine, had some yummy treats and chatted. In the book, I was handwriting things and the further along I got, the less happy I was with it. I wanted to be able to include big chunks of text, like about her birthday and her blessing ceremony and doing it by hand was going to take too long and wasn't looking very nice either. So I basically re-did all the pages I did at the scrapbook night, but I am so happy with it! I love how it is turning out! It became my nightly activity once I would put Callie down to sleep.
It feels great to be creating something. Here are some shots of a few of the pages.

Did You Hear What Happened to Charlotte King?

This was the title of last week's Private Practice. This episode was on one hand horrific but on the other a lightening rod for discussion. It has been rattling around in my head for days.
What does this have to do with Mama Drama? When I was pregnant with Callie, there was a horrible gang rape that happened to a student in Richmond. It affected me profoundly. Not just because I am a woman, but I was about to be a mother. It made the world for my unborn daughter that much scarier. I decided that I was glad I was having a girl. I would teach her to be strong and to fight, like I did. I feel incredibly blessed that I have been surrounded by strong women in my life. My mother especially. I went to an all girls school where I was encouraged to use my voice and cultivate my opinions not give in to anyone else's. I learned to shout.
Now that Callie is here I am even more determined to be stronger myself and to teach her strength and not give a shit about people that look down on strong women for not being ladylike and acting like a doormat. Fuck that.
In the episode, Charlotte is raped by a deranged mental patient (my beloved Nicholas Brendan. No longer will he be seen as the loveable doofus on Buffy!). She decided to keep the fact that she was raped a secret, so of course she doesn't report it. Rapes have been depicted in the media (tv, movies) before and typically I avoid those depictions because it is just too much for me. But I had a hunch that Shonda Rhimes depiction would be thought provoking. Charlotte is one of my favorite characters because she is so strong and doesn't take anyone's BS. Charlotte is guttural and will not allow herself to be seen as a victim. It was totally in line with Charlotte's character. When she is vulnerable she feels unsafe. She is in control most of the time. I do hope that over the rest of the season she decides to press charges. If she doesn't, it would obviously be realistic since so many rapes go unfiled. Over 60% of rapes in the united states go unreported. An even scarier statistic? 1 in 6 women will be raped in their lifetime. That is a truly frightening number. I even cringe at the word, rape. I hate that my students will say in passing "I got raped by that test." If they only knew what rape does. It destroys lives. It destroys a woman's self worth, their trust in men. And make no mistake it is about power. That is why I want to teach my daughter to have power and not let anyone take it away from her.
In recent months there have been at least 3 rapes on mainstream television. Gemma on Sons of Anarchy and someone on 90210. In all three, none of the characters reported the assault. I don't watch the other two shows, but I have also heard that the 3 characters have something else in common. They are strong women unafraid of their sexuality. Are they being punished for it? Is that the message the media is sending to strong women? Look out!
Is the media's role supposed to be one of depicting reality or what could be? I wish in this case television would use their power for good. There is one tv show that seems slightly more empowering, Law and Order SVU. They seem determined to show these women as survivors not victims.They rarely show the assault, but the resulting psychological harm and pain that is caused and the way they journey back to some semblence of their lives. I am torn about whether it is appropriate for television at all. On one hand it brings the issue into the light to show the world, hey look this is a huge problem and we need to talk about it. On the other, is it just too much?

Here is a quote from Charlotte on Private Practice. It will give you a sense of how heavy hitting this episode was:
"You ever been violated? Anybody rape you, lately? Let me tell you what it’s like. You know those made-for-tv movies where some woman is always crouched down naked in the shower, holding her knees and sobbing, ‘cause when she closes her eyes she can still feel the guy’s hands on her? How when they show the attack, the woman’s eyes go all blank and still, she goes to some other place in her mind just to deal with the horror of what’s happening to her, while some Lilith Fair song plays? It is nothing like that. It’s dirty and sweaty, and he licks your face, and he wipes himself off in your hair. And when you try to scream he punches you so hard you see God. And then he goes at you again…Raping stuff you didn’t even know you had, ‘cause he enjoyed it so much the first time. I know you’re trying to help, but if you helping me means that everyone is going to be looking at me like you’re looking at me now. Please, do not help me."

Thankfully after the episode ended, Charlotte gave a very good PSA about how to report assaults and where to go for help like RAINN. The actress that portrays her said that she met at length with rape survivors to make sure the experience was legitimate.



I pray to God or whatever is out there that my daughter will never have to experience this sort of terror or that those that she loves will experience it either. But I know it is out there. And it is not going away. But what I can do is help my daughter make good choices about the people she associates with, since most rapists are people the person knows.
I can shut my students down that use the word rape so causally.
Words have power, just as individuals do.
Shonda Rhimes, we are watching.

6 months and counting!

Callie hit her 6 month mark on Bill's birthday a couple of weeks ago. We are having so much fun! I finally feel like "this is what it is supposed to feel like." We are having fun together and I just can't wait to see what she does next. She is sitting up really well by herself. This is really nice because I can sit her up (with me behind her) and give her a toy to play with in front of her. That way I don't have to hold her all damn day.
We are kicking butt on the solids front. It was a REAL struggle at first. I was basically cramming food down her throat, until I decided to just stop and let her tell us when she was ready, because no one was happy. I was really frustrated and so was she. So on the day that I told myself I would just wait until she was ready, since she wasn't quite 6 months old anyway, she got ready! That night we were at Willow Glen Frozen Yogurt in Campbell escaping a particularly ugly Sharks game. Bill and I both were eating our frozen yogurt when she started following my spoon with her eyes and opening and closing her mouth like she wanted to eat! I obviously wasn't going to give her my yogurt, so we gave her the spoon to play with. She was really trying to eat, not just suck on the spoon. It was cutest thing, you could hear her two little teeth clicking against the underside of the spoon. So we hurried home and whipped up some rice cereal and she did amazingly! Its like zen and the art of parenting. Sometimes you just have to let someone else decide, sometimes the universe just knows what to do. We were practically squealing in the CG household we were so excited. For the rest of that week we did cereal and I noticed that if she just wasn't into it, sometimes if I just came back to it in 10-20 minutes it was a totally different story. After the cereal we did some pears and then some butternut squash. Now we are back to pears and I am hoping to whip up some sweet potatoes this week as well. We basically have it worked out now to feed her solid food when she wakes up from her late afternoon nap. There have been some other changes because of the solid food. Let's just say mama had to buy a candle for Callie's room:)
Let's see, what else...Halloween! We had a great time at the party. It was definitely more mellow than in previous years, but it was nice. We cleaned the house from top to bottom! Grandma Tere came over to watch Callie so we could get something done. We tried in the morning to just switch off, but at that rate we wouldn't have gotten much done! We decided as we cleaned each room to also organize and get things done that we had put off. This was mostly for the kitchen and Callie's room. Callie's room had piles of things we wanted to hang up and organize. We went through all of clothes and did a purge. We finally hung these adorable prints that Bill had ordered a while back.


It felt so good to get her room organized! The other room that was tough was the kitchen. For a couple of years we had a folding bookcase that we had used as a pantry. But there was a possibility that a few toddlers would be at the party so we wanted to have everything away, lest they discover a bag of rice to play with or something! So that took some doing, but the kitchen looks way better too. The party itself was really fun. It was nice to not cook 12 different things like I usually do. I did manage to make my veggie chili and I am glad I did too! We had leftovers for the next day or two. Sadly I didn't think to have someone take a picture of the three of us. Bill ressurected his Dude Costume, I went as dream sequence Maude and Callie was The Jesus. Pretty much everyone thought she was a pirate and I was just a viking/opera singer, but that's ok. We knew what we were! Callie was definitely perplexed by Bill's costume.

It was like she recognized his voice but knew he didn't look quite right.

Well that's it for now. I will try to blog more frequently. There is definitely a post swirling around in my head about going back to work.

Here Come The Holidays!

I am so glad fall is here! That means Halloween! My favorite holiday! I couldn't really tell you why its my favorite holiday. Maybe because it is usually the first time some of those wonderful fall foods find their way to the table: pumpkin, cider, squash. Figuring out costumes, dressing up in someone else for a day. I love getting out those boxes of decorations that I have been collecting over the years. This year's addition? A pair of skeleton flamingos for the lawn! I love laying out the newspaper and covering it with pumpkin guts and separating out some pumpkin seeds to roast in the oven. Passing out candy to the neighborhood kids. Watching scary movies and listening to spooky music.
I used to love looking at pictures of me and my brother on every halloween. Those old school plastic masks. My favorite? WonderWoman of course! There was an infamous Marilyn Monroe costume one year as well. Oh and the years that my mom sewed our costumes. There was an ingenious Little Mermaid costume and a california raisin. I really should dig them out one of these days. My mom sent me this adorable picture the other day of my first halloween.

It just made me think of how badly I want to share and create new traditions with my daughter. I want to make caramel corn with her. I want to carve a pumpkin with her. I want to see her face the first time she tries Warm Cider and that smell of cinnamon and allspice. I want to make paper mache ghosts or some other silly craft project. I want to see her dig her little hand into a dish of candy corn.
Then its on to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is so connected to memories of my mom. It has always been so special to her and us as a family that I can't wait to share those things with Callie too. I can't wait for her to open the door to Grandma Tere's house and be bowled over with the warm sensation and that blast of fall flavors and smells. I want her to wake up on Thanksgiving and say "Its Thanksgiving, let's go to Grandma's house!"
Then its on to Christmas and all the insanity. Christmas is all about the Bunts, my husband's family. I can't wait to see Callie's face when one of her relatives dresses up like Santa Claus and puts her on his lap to ask her what she wants for Christmas. I am positively giddy with the prospect of these wonderful new memories and sensations that we will get to experience with her.

Sleep Training Part 2

We were so pleased with how our first night of sleep training went the other day! Bill and I talked about it at length. We loved having her so close to us in the beginning and I honestly didn't know how I was going to feel about having her in another room, but it is so nice! It is nice to have our couple space again, to have one room that isn't totally overrun with Callie. And I think it must be easier for her to sleep in her own space where she doesn't hear the noise of us rolling over or the dog moving or whining or snoring. I'm pretty sure Milo is quite content to not have a screaming baby in the room as well! And being able to get the sleep we need is huge! Everyone's quality of life has improved. I am much less stressed out and am able to enjoy Callie more.

Night 2
I put her down a bit earlier, around 11 rather than 11:30. She had taken 2 naps during the day, each around 45 minutes to an hour. We did our normal routine, bath, hang out a bit, feed, go to sleep. She was konked out again after I fed her so I put her down in her crib. I assumed she would do the same thing she had done the night before, wake up after an hour. But no! She sleep 5 and a half hours straight! When she woke up I fed her and put her down again.

Night 3
During the day yesterday she took some much longer naps because we were in the car. We had spent the day in Half Moon Bay (I will do a blog post on Callie's blog for that one, it was a lovely day!). I wasn't feeling too confident because when we got home she was all cranky. We tried giving her some more squash, since we hadn't given her any solid food during the day and I thought maybe that was part of why she was sleeping so well. I don't know if she was just tired and wanted the easy meal (the boob) rather than messing with the squash or what. But I eventually just gave her the boob. Before we figured it out we thought there was something wrong with her. She was just screaming like she was in pain! Aftewards we did our bath and put her in the doorway jumper. She was so content! She jumped for close to an hour, squealing whenever the dog so much as moved.
In the middle of all of her contentment, Bill comes in the room exasperated and says "The dog is gone." What?! Our beagle Milo had gone exploring and we didn't have his collar on, because the noise of it wakes Callie up. Earlier in the day he had done the same thing and was in the neighbor's yard and couldn't figure out how to get back. I started clicking the leash and then he would start whining. So I did the same thing and sure enough he was in the neighbor's yard. Luckily they have a gate that is easy to open to get him out:)
Once everyone was back inside, Callie was starting to jump slower and slower and slower. Pretty soon, her head started tiling to one side. It was so cute! Since it was right around 11, I fed her a bit and while she was still awake I put her down, since I wanted her to be able to get to sleep on her own, not just when she is passed out from eating. She did a fair bit of complaining, not really screaming just babbling. I had set the 15 minute timer and it went off, but she wasn't yelling so we left her where she was. Then she started. She yelled for maybe 6 minutes of so and then fell asleep. We actually stayed up to watch her on the monitor. It was pretty humorous. Crazy girl was trying to rip the crib bumpers off! Good thing I tied them nice and tight. She is gonna be trouble when she can stand up. Bill went off to bed and I stayed up for a bit to see if she stayed asleep (and also because I can't stop playing Angry Birds. God damn that game is like crack! Sheesh). I went off to bed around 12:30 expecting that she would wake up for a feeding, but she didn't! We woke up around 8:45 and she was still sleeping! It was amazing!! I went in to see if she was awake and this is what I saw:
And that is certainly the most beautiful sight I could have possibly imagined.

First Night of Sleep Training

Was a success! I read (very quickly) On Becoming Baby Wise.

Bill's cousin had told me about it a couple of months ago and after all of our sleep struggles lately I decided to finally order it. The authors are clearly not fans of attachment parenting and on demand feeding. And they make a good argument. If you have a baby that is feeding more frequently than 2-4 hours, it doesn't give your body enough time to produce enough milk in between feedings and the baby isn't getting both the pre milk and the hind milk (which contains the most fat, which they need to keep growing). Their whole setup is routine routine routine. Feeding, followed by wake time/playtime, followed by a nap. If they start crying when you put them down you can let them cry for 10-15 minutes, then go to them. I figured that was a time period I could handle. It wasn't 2 hours like some moms I had talked to. I knew I didn't have that in me. One of my only real complaints about the book is they make everything sound so simple. For example, when they talk about ascertaining which cry means what with your baby they make it sound so obvious and easy when it can be pretty tough. Like with Callie, we still don't know the difference maybe because her cry is so shrill and disturbing!
So after I had finished getting through the book I decided to give it a try. I fed her and then we played and then I put her down for a nap in her crib. I was a little worried that doing the sleep training and introducing the crib might be a bit much all at once, but she just won't fit in the co-sleeper anymore. This girl is going to pass up her mom and dad in height pretty soon if she doesn't slow down! I had also bought the baby einstein neptune soother.

It has a scrolling lighted ocean scene with music. It goes for about 15 minutes so it is perfect for our sleep training. I thought it would at least give her something to look at when she is hopping mad! So I put her down for a nap, turned on the soother and she started yelling. One thing the book talked about was parents' perception of time. So I set my stop watch on my phone for 15 minutes. I was shocked! If I hadn't been timing it, I probably would have gone in after 2 minutes. No wonder she wasn't sleeping at night! We weren't giving her time to settle herself down. Right around 12 minutes she calmed down and went to sleep. I couldn't believe it! She slept for about 30-40 minutes and then started yelling. I snuck in and turned on the soother again to see if she would go back down, but no luck. But my mom was coming over soon anyway to watch her for our usual thursday night date, so I got her up. Over dinner I laid it all out for Bill. Explained that if after 15 minutes she is still crying we can go pick her up and rock her or just pat her back and sing to her. So we got back home and gave her a bath (we are also working on her pre-sleep routine to send her the message that it is time for the long sleep) and fed her. She was mostly asleep so I laid her down in the crib. She woke up an hour later, and so we began! We snuck in and turned on the soother. We set the timer and waited. Good god 15 minutes is a long time. She was still crying so we went in and I rocked her for a couple of minutes and then put her down again. The 2nd 15 minutes was much worse. I was literally curling my toes. Bill and I held each other's hands for support and I think, to keep each other from bolting out of bed to go and get her. Thank god we were doing this in the crib. I don't know if I could've done it if it was happening in the same room. We got to the 15 minute mark again so we went back in. This time I cried with her. Bill put his arms around us both and Callie reached out her arms and held on. It was beautiful and heartwrenching all at the same time. Then down she went again. When I got back got back to the bedroom Bill had the book open looking for the part where it says what to do when she cries. I flipped through it and just as I was about to get to it and show him, we heard...Nothing. 5 minutes in she konked herself out. And she slept for FOUR AND A HALF HOURS! Praise the heavens! We had decided before we started that I would feed her during the night but not until after 2-3 am and here it was 5:30! We put her down again. She didn't struggle much this time because she was sleepy from eating and slept another couple of hours. It was amazing! And everyone is happier in the CG household today! Hopefully it will continue to go well.

No Sleep Til...Ever??

Ok Mamas and Papas out there. We need you. We need ideas, tips, wacky theories, anything. Our Miss Callie hasn't slept well at night in well over a month. Before that she would sleep 6 hours straight. Now we're lucky if we get 2-3. At first we thought it was teething, but the teeth are out now. Then she was sick, but she's not coughing or sneezing anymore. We started solids. I was typically giving them to her in the last afternoon around 4pm or so. That helped a little but not much. The past few days are making us run pretty ragged around here. She woke up around 11pm ready to play play play. I got up with her and put her in her exersaucer and she was content, giggling and the whole nine yards. Eventually she started getting sleepy so I laid her down in our bed. No dice. She started screaming. So I got up again and snuggled with her while I laid on the couch and she fell asleep almost instantly. I would have stayed there all night, but it was horribly uncomfortable, for me at least. So the battle began in earnest. We got so desperate last night that we made her some cereal at 3:30 in the morning and gave it to her. After she ate it she was still wired and wanting to play. I got her calmed down and she fell asleep on me and the minute I put her down in her cosleeper she starts screaming. So I started over. I got her really drowsy and put her in her crib with her womb sounds giraffe. She was just staring at it, so I thought I could get away with it. And I did for a couple of hours. I think I got 3 hours out of it until she woke up screaming.

Bill is so frustrated he just wants to put her in her crib and let her scream, but I'm not convinced. First of all, that typically doesn't work with her, she just gets more and more worked up rather than passing out. And second, it just seems cruel to everyone involved, including the neighbors, cuz damn...that girl has some serious lung power.

So mamas and papas, help us out here. Any ideas?? We will try just about anything at this point.

Callie's First Cold:(

Over the weekend, Callie got her first cold. Friday night we took her to the homecoming football game at Monta Vista. It was actually a really fun time. It practically became the baby section! But apparently we weren't bundled up tight enough, because Callie and I got hit with a nasty cold.
Saturday we went up to Santa Rosa for a wedding and it was that night that it hit. Callie had been sneezing off and on but we really didn't think much of it at first because she does that a lot. We had a nice time at the wedding and then left her with my mom in the hotel room for the reception. But apparently we were the only ones that read the invitation that said "adult only reception" because all of the other kids from the wedding were there. But honestly, we were happy to have a little break. We came back to the room after it was over and was surprised to see our little miss still awake. It was that night that the cold made itself known to us both. She didn't sleep much and my throat was on fire.
She finally slept for a 3 hour chunk from 7-10am and we were feeling a bit better. So we decided to order room service! This is something we hardly ever do. But it just sounded so perfect. I was feeling like crap and we didn't feel like figuring out where to eat with her. So we ordered in. It was fabulous. Bill's parents came by for a visit as well. We started our drive back home and I started taking a turn for the worse. What I was really craving was Saturn Cafe in Santa Cruz, some of their tomato soup and turkish coffee and peanut butter milkshakes. We were close to berkeley so we were going to head to Cafe Intermezzo, one of our favorite places (I mean, really, what's not to like about salads and sandwiches bigger than your face!) when Bill made a wrong turn and what did we find?! A Saturn Cafe in Berkeley! WHAT?! So that's where we went. We had a nice meal until our little miss decided to slam her cheek into the side of the table. Her cold was starting to get worse as well. So we packed it all up and went home.
Last night was pretty darn rough. Poor Callie couldn't breathe very well through her nose, which made it hard for her to nurse which is of course all she wants to do when she feels icky. Which meant it was time for the evil bulb syringe. Poor girl hates it but its the only way to help the little ones with their noses. Sure would be nice to hold up a kleenex to her nose and say "blow." We all napped for a while which helped the sick girls immensely. We got up to watch some tv together and the damndest thing happened. I had been holding her on my leg for an hour or so and she was doing fine. I passed her off to Bill so I could eat some food and she starts screaming at the top of her lungs! I was right next to her. Then all of a sudden she put her hand on me and let out this humongous sigh through her pacifier that almost propelled it out of her mouth. And she was fine. We talked about how she needed to be close to me even more so now that she was sick. Poor baby. One of the toughest things is to see her face and know how crappy she feels and how upset she is. She obviously doesn't understand what "being sick" is and that she will feel better soon if she just rests.
There were some very rough times last night. It was just so hard because I was so sick too. Getting her to sleep was really hard. We got out the humidifier and that eventually did the trick. But it was like it was when we first brought her home from the hospital, she would be dead asleep on me but the minute her head hit the bassinet or even our bed she was screaming.
She is doing better today, but we are definitely taking it easy. And I came out into the kitchen to find that Bill had picked up a bagel and some jamba juice for me for breakfast. I was so happy. Luckily, Bill is going to come home early tonight to give me some rest so we can all get healthy again. But it has definitely been interesting. I am so used to getting sick and just laying on the couch all day and then I would be fine the next day. It is definitely different when you are taking care of someone else first and yourself second.

Adventures in Eating

So we finally got the green light from the advice nurse to try solids. Callie hadn't been sleeping well for quite some time. We assumed it was teething, but her two bottom teeth are out (and totally adorable I might add), so we started looking to other possibilities. She had hit all the milestones that they say mean they are ready for solids: can sit up while supported, can hold up their head and neck and are interested in food. The first one was the one that was plaguing us for a while. I had been trying to get her to sit up at playdates and at home, which was pretty funny, actually, because she would just start to fall over in all different directions. And then we go to our music class on friday and bam! She sees all the other kids sitting and she gets it. So there you go, peer pressure can be a good thing! I called the advice nurse just to get a second opinion and she said it sounded like she was ready. Hallelujah! I was so excited! I was just so ready for something new. We had definitely been in a rut. I was at Bye Bye Baby, that store is the devil by the way, and spied some baby cereal, so I bought it. I didn't really look at it, I just tossed it in the cart because Callie was melting down and I had to get moving. I didn't notice that it was Gerber. Ugh. Also known as Nestle. I do my best to avoid buying Nestle products. To find out why, check this out. I didn't notice it was gerber until after I gave some to Callie and she also is not a fan of Nestle! She hated it! And I couldn't blame her. I took a whiff and it smelled awful! Then I looked at the small print on the label and was mad at myself for not looking more carefully. Oh well. She spent most of the meal putting her fingers in the spoon, she clearly wanted to do it herself! Oh, the teenage years are going to be interesting with two strong willed women in the house. Poor Bill! She grabbed the cereal and rubbed it on her face for a little baby facial and then grabbed her legs so she successfully bathed herself the cereal. Lovely. Smelly sticky baby. But I didn't let myself get discouraged. I didn't want to force her into anything. We certainly don't want an aversion to food this early on. So I cleaned her up and called it a day.
Yesterday it was a totally different situation. I picked up some new baby cereal made by Earth's Best. It smelled much better than the Gerber stuff. We still didn't have a high chair so I just sat her on my lap and gave it a whirl. She was all over it! She was just sucking it down.

I was so excited, like really excited. It kind of surprised me how elated I had become. I was so proud of her, I was proud of us! We did it! We hit a major milestone. It really made me realize how quickly things are progressing now. I was positively beaming. And then...

she started screaming her head off because there was no more!
The next day I decided to try to give her a bit more than the day before. It wasn't going quite as well as yesterday. And then I figured out why. A friend had dropped off their booster seat since their kids had outgrown it. And Callie was just absolutely hating it. She kept drawing up her knees trying to kick up at the tray. So of course in the process, all the cereal was just sliding out of her mouth onto the bib, her clothes and her neck. Once I took her out of the seat and sat her on my lap we were in business.
Next week we are going to try to move on to some squash that Grandma Tere lovingly grew in her garden, cooked and pureed for us. It should be interesting and very colorful!

Yet Another Breastfeeding v. Formula Controversy

Seems like there is a new one every week! Ah, such a faded memory, the comments by Giselle that every mother should be forced to breastfeed for 6 months. The newest controversy? An Old Navy onesie. That's right a teeny tiny piece of pun inspired baby clothing.

So that's it. That's what started the constantly renewed fervor of breast v. bottle. It seems never ending. The constant guilt messages that are sent about using formula. And I have to wonder, how effective is the use of guilt? When you are first pregnant, the question you hear EVERYWHERE at every turn, at every doctor's appointment: "Are you smoking?" It was totally overwhelming to me. I felt like screaming, "For the umpteenth time, NO!" Now I understand why guilt is used with an issue of a pregnant mom smoking. To say the impact on the fetus is bad is the understatement of the century.
But where is an acceptable line for making new mothers feel guilty? And where are the messages coming from? In terms of breastfeeding, it seems like you can't go on a website where it is all about breastfeeding and how bad formula is. Sure, I'm down with it, I'm drinking the kool aid. I felt horribly guilt on that one night we had to give Callie formula. I cried and cried. I felt like a failure. And all those familiar phrases run through your mind "What is wrong with me that I can't do this for my daughter?" We searched the internet for instructions on how to make the right amount of formula and guess what we found "all children should be exclusively breastfed for the first six months of life." Awesome. Thanks.
The early days with breastfeeding Callie were tough to say the least. I didn't want to call a lactation consultant. Why? I don't know. It felt intimidating. Weren't they just going to tell me the same things I'd been reading. I came across a mommy blogger who met with a LC who told her "Breastfeeding isn't hard. You must be doing it wrong." So its no wonder that more moms said they would rather get advice from friends and family members than breastfeeding professionals. And I have to say I definitely fell into that category. When I was still pregnant, I emailed my friends that were moms and asked for advice on what types of things were truly needed. We didn't want to clutter up the house needlessly, since it seems to happen anyway! My very good friend Seeta told me, "Breastfeeding is hard. Try not to give up. The payout is worth it." I held onto those words so tightly in the first few months. If those words had been a teddy bear, it would have been in tatters. That was the first time I had heard those words, that breastfeeding is hard. Pregnant/new moms don't hear that enough. It is hard! It is frustrating and painful on top of everything. We are already judging ourselves at an impossible level, who needs a professional to do it for us too?
Back to the onesie. I feel incredibly blessed that I have enough of a milk supply for my girl. But not everyone is so blessed. Some women just don't have a good supply. Some are just too frustrated. And you know what? If mom is stressed or unhappy, everyone is. So something must be said that if breastfeeding is just too much, formula is an option. If you venture out into the blogosphere on the topic of BF, you will meet some interesting characters. Some that say formula companies are tantamount to tobacco companies. Come on now. Now I know there is some junky stuff in formula, but come on! And of course the other formula news item was Similac's nasty recall last week. Gross to be sure, but at least the stuff is coming off the shelves and not going into babies tummies. And it seems that it came from the company itself, not from some outside pressure. Companies like Similac and Enfamil are worth billions. There has been a lot of pressure on these companies of late for all the "freebies" they give moms when they leave the hospital. Breastfeeding activists say it is setting new moms up for failure. I.e. giving up on breastfeeding and going to the bottle. Maybe if moms were allowed to stay in the hospital longer with more access to helpful LCs, it might be different. We were very lucky. We had a great LC that came to see us and was very helpful. And she actually stayed as long as we needed her, she didn't just rush out and mark an x on a chart that said "helped new mom breastfeed at 11am." Because you know what? It is about not just that one feeding but all the feedings afterwards. Because when you go home, whether we like it or not, we are on our own.
Back to the onesie. Does Nestle (Similac) need help promoting formula? Absolutely not. Do you want to see the stack of free formula I get in the mail every week and the 3 giant cans of formula that they sent us home from the hospital with? But do moms who can't/choose not to breastfeed need support? You're damned right they do. Judgement doesn't help, because lord knows we do enough of it ourselves. So back off, crazies. Stop the boycott of Old Navy, stop the letter writing campaign and give some moms a cute onesie to put on their kid. And by the way, the whole point of the onesie is it was a formula one car racing pun. Seems like the whole world missed that one.

There I was, Blogging Away When...

The cat waltzed into the dining room meowing. I had just put Callie down for a nap so I was already quietyly scolding dear Mr. Sprite about the possibility of waking her up when I heard a small thud on the floor and saw what he had brought for me.

Ugh. The poor bird was still very much alive despite having been carried around in my cat's mouth. One of its wings seemed pretty gimpy, but beyond that he seemed to be fine, albeit pretty fucking scared out of its mind! Now, I know what to do when my cat brings in dead animals, which doesn't happen very often, he usually keeps his kills to himself. But a live one? That was new territory. By the time I called Bill for some advice, Milo took an active interest in the freaked out bird in the dining room. Can't blame the guy, certainly isn't an everyday occurrence. So now I was on the phone and trying to keep Milo away from the bird at the same time. So I gathered up my poor little friend in an old tshirt and put him outside near our buddha statue and kept the cat and the dog inside for the time being. Hopefully he is well enough to hop/fly to his next destination whatever that may be.

While Callie Sleeps

Sometimes it is all so amazing. Sometimes I just stare at Callie and my mind gets blown. I try to put it all together. The fact that I grew her in my belly is just so crazy! I watch her chest rise and fall and think, that heart is beating because we wanted a family. We wanted to see the world through her new eyes. That heart was beating inside my body before she met the world. I look at her little fingers and toes curling and uncurling. I see your nose twitch. I stare at her and think, you are us. You are love and you are loved. You are beauty. You are simplicity. You are amazing. You are mine. I am yours. I look at her and I just feel like I will burst.

Paris Part 5: Last Day in Paris

This was our last real day in Paris. Hard to believe our week was almost over! We had another late start because Callie had another rough night.

Grandma and Callie having fun before we left for the day
But we opted to try to make it out to Versailles anyway. There had been some transit delays earlier in the morning so we had to come up with some backup ways to get there. We got our tickets and Bill was in absolute heaven navigating this train and that metro to get us there.

Callie gets to experience the train for the first time!
We got to Versailles and it was packed! Number one it was saturday, but there also seemed to be some sort of festival going on. We were definitely glad to have the Bob Stroller on those extra large cobblestones. We made our way up the street to the chateau. The sight of the place is always so shocking.

So much gold!
Bill and Mom got in line to get our tickets, so Callie and I hung out outside the gates and did some people watching. They came back after a while and we found out we couldn't take the stroller inside because there are stairs, so we checked the Bob and went inside. It was so gorgeous inside. The last time Bill and I were here the chateau was closed because they were fixing up the Hall of Mirrors so this was new for all of us. The only downside was some of the rooms were very narrow (not the Hall of Mirrors!) so it was pretty packed at certain points, especially trying to get around the tour groups. And we had an altercation in one of the rooms with a possibly rude, maybe just oblivious Frenchman.

Callie had passed out hard in the begining of the tour so Bill had her on his shoulder. This guy comes barreling past me knocking into me and nearly knocks me over. I try my best to keep him from knocking into Callie and Bill but he does anyway. I had given a loud "Geez!" so Bill knew he was coming. He runs into Callie and Bill. Since I was behind them, from my perspective Bill just somewhat roughly poked the guy in the back. The guy turns around quickly and sees a sleeping baby on Bill and barely musters a meek "Pardon." I was so mad! I found out later in talking to Bill about it that Bill had chosen a specific place to poke the guy, as in using a pressure point to inflict just enough pain to make him notice. That made me feel better:) We finally made it into the Hall of Mirrors and it was stunning!





We finished our tour and headed outside to get a picture in front of the gate which was tougher than we thought it would be!


We were competing with this young mom who was practically doing a photo shoot with her camera in front of the gates. Just when we thought "Ok! Lets go, it is clear!" A big tour group who's members were totally oblivious to everyone else walked in front of us.

Some artsy shots by Bill of the chateau





Return of the sock monkey!

After we were done we walked around Verailles with Callie before heading back to Paris.

We stopped at a little cafe before heading back to the train.



Grandma Tere and Callie enjoy watching the scooters go by while comparing and contrasting Paris with Italy.

"What's that daddy? I want it!!"

Sorry Kiddo.



Okay Mom, how about you hand over your smoothie?
After we enjoyed our drinks or just kept Callie away from them long enough to slurp them down, we headed back to Paris for our last meal in Paris. We had played around with the idea of eating in Versailles, but we opted to return to the restaurant we went for our first dinner in Paris. So with Triadou Haussman, it began and ended. It was at Triadou that I first tried onion soup and thought "Hey this stuff is actually really tasty!" not knowing that it was just Triadou's soup that was so good, not necessarily onion soup itself! We dropped off the stroller and walked down to the restaurant.

Although along the way, sock monkey made a new friend:

This rooster is perched outside a bottom floor window across from the train station.
Anyhoo, we had an amazing meal! Their meat was absolutely incredible and we enjoyed a really nice bottle of wine.

Callie started fussing pretty loudly, so mom took her for a walk so I could eat my meal and oh my lordy it was amazing!
Then we ordered dessert: creme brulee, chocolate crepes and profiteroles. So delicious, I can't quite describe it!

Did you know Creme Brulee is translated as "Burned Cream" ? Yumm....

Bill ordered some Grand Marnier after dinner and got a *very* healthy pour!
Callie was sufficiently tired so we walked back to the apartment. By this time, Mom and I realized just how much of a healthy pour that drink was, when Bill exclaimed, "Take a picture!" All I could mutter was "Bill, no." But there was no stopping him now!

We laughed about it all the way back to apartment.

We spent the remainder of the night packing up for our return home. Thank god my mom was there to hold/entertain Callie while we got everything packed up. I stayed up almost all night trying to get at least 2 ounces of milk pumped for the flight, in case Callie's ears had trouble on our descent. Ends up I should have just stayed up all night, not going to bed at 4am like I did. Because Bill and I slept through our alarm. Of course Callie chose that as her first night to sleep more than 2 hours at a time! Mom knocked on our door but no one woke up, not even Callie! So she started doing dishes loudly. Thank god she did, otherwise, who knows when we would've woken up. Our taxi was scheduled to pick us up at 6am and it was 6:15. Ugh. Bill got dressed in a hurry to see if there was any chance they had waiter. Nope. He came back up and in the remaining 10 minutes that he was gone we were ready. No shower, but we opted for the hippy shower instead. Little water, little deoderant and out the door. Luckily, our apartment was across the street from a hotel and the concierge was nice enough to call 2 taxis for us. We still managed to get to the airport with plenty of time to eat and do some last minute shopping. I have always loved the book The Little Prince and this store had a ton of stuff! So I picked up a couple of things for Callie when she is older: a music box and a set of dominoes. I also stumbled across a Paris sippy cup. I couldn't help myself. We had talked several times over the course of the week how much Callie is going to love eating and using a sippy cup and had joked that if we found a Paris sippy cup we would have to buy it. So there you have it...We boarded our plane after I bought a couple of extra diapers. None of our seats were together on the plane so we had to do some shuffling around and asking people if they wouldn't mind trading seats to where at least Bill and I were sitting together. Callie was fantastic on the plane! Apparently she saved up all of her sleep for the plane. She completely slept through the hour delay on the plane, and the takeoff itself as well as another 4 hours of so! She was a bit fussy in the middle of the flight, so we just walked her around the plane and I think we met every grandma on the plane! They all fell instantly in love with her. They all told us how good she was being and how beautiful she was. We knew which ones were French. For some reason, we noticed this week, that they all make the same sounds to babies. First they click their tongue at her and then say "Cuckoo Cuckoo." We also met some Italian grandmothers as well. As we got closer and closer to our descent, we started to prepare for the coming onslaught. We had been asking the flight attendants all day for ice and adding it to our ziplock bag that held those precious 2.5 ounces of milk to help her ears even out. So Bill got the bottle ready while I held/bounced Callie. There was a girl next to us from Spain that started playing peek a boo with Callie and she was hooked! So Callie laughed and giggled the whole way down to SFO! No milk needed! It was hysterical! Once we landed we waited for everyone else to get off the plane so we could get all of our stuff together again without getting in anyone's way. While Bill got all of our bags together, I stood up with Callie so she could see all the people leaving. She was in heaven and we got to see all the grandmas again. Soon we were out of the plane and going through customs. Bill was a bit more specific on the customs form than I am sure they are used to. How often do you think they see "Sippy Cup" written on a declarations form? Not often I'd wager! So there it is, the end of our trip. I am going to try to do a reflections kind of blog in the next few days, so stay tuned.