Goodbye Grandma Bunt

We received news on saturday that Bill's grandmother had passed away. Grandma Bunt had struggled with alzheimers and a host of other health problems in the last few years. So on one level, as when anyone passes away that has struggled with illness and pain, it is a relief. But, it leaves the family with a gaping hole. Grandma Bunt was an incredible woman. I always felt loved and welcomed by her.
We both instantly felt like a safe had been dropped on our heads when we heard the news. We saw it coming for a while, but I guess you are never really prepared for death. We went over to see Grandpa at the retirement home in Cupertino. The poor thing looked so so tired. He was surrounded by his family and he definitely took some solace in that. There were moments, glimmers when you could see he was trying to fathom what had happened. He would just say over and over, "I just can't believe it." He has lost his soulmate, his sweetheart. They were married just after world war II. I can't imagine what he must be feeling, to lose someone that has been with you through it all for so long. She was such a neat lady. Always content to be the support structure but always so happy to have her family nearby and all the joy that they have brought her.
Bill's mom and uncle were busy making preparations for the rosary and funeral this week so we tried to stay with grandpa as much as we could.
Bill seems ok. He said that strangely, having Callie around made him feel a little better about it. Like, her presence is a reminder that the wheel is always coming around again. I know that we haven't really processed the fact that she is gone. Its just been a whirlwind of craziness, added to an already crazy time of year.
Christmas is definitely going to be strange. I just can't believe I won't see Grandma snuggled up on the couch next to grandpa as they watch all the kids open presents. You will definitely be missed Grandma. I am so glad my daughter got to meet you, I'm just sorry we didn't have more time together.

Thankless

I got to thinking the other day, motherhood is probably the most thankless job I have ever had in many respects. It all started with something that Bill said when we were walking back from the Shark Tank after Callie's first sharks game. I was jibing him about waking her up during her morning nap. He explained that he was getting her stuff transferred back to my car and said "That's the thanks I get?" To which I said, "And what thanks do I get?" And its true, as a mom of an infant you don't get much. When you are working in a traditional job you receive thanks and feedback. If I was teaching, I would get a "Thanks for going over my essay with me Ms. CG." or "Thanks for that review session." or "Good morning" even! Sometimes that thanks is simply monetary. That is communicative of a job well done. My "employer" can't talk and say "Thanks mom, you rock." "Thanks mom for making my food." Thanks mom for wiping my ass 8 times a day." "Thanks mom for making sure I'm safe and loved." Moms do all of those things and so much more but sometimes it just seems expected. Sometimes I feel like I am taken for granted around here. If we had Callie in day care we would be giving her caretaker thanks in the form of money. I guess sometimes I would just like to hear that I am doing a good job because everyone needs that from time to time.
On the other hand, motherhood is the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. Maybe I get my thanks from Callie through her smiles and her ridiculously adorable laugh. I feel thanked when she gives me that sloppy open mouthed kiss on half of my face. I feel thanked when she snuggles into my neck and goes to sleep. I feel thanked when she looks up at me with sleepy eyes and plays with my hair. I feel thanked when I think about how blessed I am, even if no one says it out loud to me.

Lemon Ricotta Cookies

So I've been bitten by the holiday cookie bug. Big time! I came across this recipe from the food network and thought I would give it a try. The cookie itself is pretty decent. More cakelike than I thought it would be. The icing didn't taste all that fabulous though. You could definitely taste the powdered sugar. So, being me, I added ginger:) I had Bill try it and he said it was good. Not the remark I was looking for. I am looking for a truly great cookie. He recommended using the topping I use for my famous crack muffins. Which is basically lemon zest mixed with sugar crumbled on top. So that's what I did. I'm not convinced it is truly great, but it is definitely lemony!

First Sleepover at Grandma's House

So tonight is the night. This is the night that I would have given my left arm for in the first few months of Callie's life. A night where our house was silent. And now? I am dreading it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my mom or her ability to care for Callie and love her so completely. I hope she doesn't take this personally. This is about me. Obviously, she knows what to do, she's raised 2 kids already! And she was the one we called on the first night home from the hospital when formula was shooting out of Callie's nose! She was the one who volunteered to help when I was descending into the darkness. She was the one that got puked on after Callie's first vaccinations. She is not the stereotypical grandma telling you "You know what you need to do is..." And I have really appreciated the fact that Bill and I have been able to navigate the triumphs and pitfalls of new parenting without too many slip ups.
I know they are going to have a great time. I just don't know how I am going to do. So, we decided to make a night of it, Bill and I are going to see Passion Pitt in Santa Cruz. Otherwise, I was afraid I would be sneaking outside my mom's house and peering in the window until one of her neighbors would call the police! I know she will be safe, warm, loved and entertained. I guess I just don't know how to be without her. Its one thing to go out on date night for an hour or two, but a whole night? A whole night knowing she isn't in the next room? A night where we aren't giving her a bath and hearing her giggle and splash and babble? A morning where I don't just tiptoe into her room and watch her sleeping and watch her slowly wake up until she recognizes me and smiles a smile that lights up so much that it could power a whole house?
But I know its the right thing for her to have these nights and for me too, I suppose. I want her to have a great relationship with her grandma. I still remember having sleepovers at my grandma's house. She would always have butterscotch pudding ready in the fridge for us. I want Callie to have that too. The fun times at grandma's house. A place where she can play and make cookies and chase the hens around the yard and laugh at Jack the dog.

I've brought it up in my mom's support group and with other mom friends and the response is the same from most of them. First their eyes widen and then they say something like "Ooooh. Yikes. I don't know if I could do that. Let me know how that goes." I certainly will. Hopefully the police won't be involved:)

Daycare Dilemmas

So I've started looking into the day care situation for when/if I go back to work in the fall. Unfortunately, I am up against the clock, since I have to inform the district by February 1st if I intend to take another year of child care leave. The plan was always for me to go back in the fall and teach 2 classes. But do I want to go back? An emphatic no. Which is kinda crazy. The last 7 months have become a roller coaster. After I had Callie, I really struggled with the adjustment and would have gone back to work in a heartbeat. But I just love the time I have with Callie. I love all the snuggles, the smiles, the laughs, the new things she does everyday. I hate to miss any of it.
But anyway, I started to look into daycares. I really love the Montessori model. I visited one this week in Almaden. The facilities weren't terribly updated but what they are doing is pretty impressive. They have really good ratios of teachers to kids and they offer half day day care rates, which is what we are looking at. I just didn't see the point of paying $1500 or more for care that we weren't really using. The location is called Tomorrow Montessori. Really the only drawback is the location, it is in the opposite direction for both Bill and I. They charge around $980 for infants for half day until they are 18 months when they go to the toddler room. They help with toilet training, take care of breakfast, snack and lunches. When they are 2 1/2 they move into the preschool rooms. It is a true interdisciplinary approach to learning. They are studying continents and in their study they examine geography, history, culture and food. The more I heard about the program the cooler it sounded. The socialization looked wonderful as well as the fact that each child's individuality is valued and built upon. The socialization aspect is what I wanted the most, since Callie will be almost a year and a half when August rolls around. We thought about having a nanny, but I think the socialization aspect is really important.
Yesterday evening I filled Bill in on the highlights on the school. And we started doing some loose calculations on how much money I would be making and asking ourselves if it was worth it financially. We estimated that I would be taking home around $1400 a month. Wrongo. I emailed our payroll guy at the District Office and it would be closer to $1800. So that was a nice surprise. The nice thing about it is it opens up the possibility for another Montessori school in sunnyvale that I had 86ed because of the price. So I will check it out on Tuesday.
Am I still torn about it, you bet. I didn't use to understand how women could be stay at home moms and be happy, but now I totally get it. I consider myself incredibly blessed that I was able to stay at home for Callie's first year. I know there are a lot of people that don't have that luxury.