Our 5th Anniversary

Yesterday was our anniversary. We had an appointment for Callie to get her 2nd round of vaccinations in the morning that you can read about here. Since she was zonked out afterwards we decided to meet mom at Silver Mountain in Santa Cruz. It is pretty far but we're going to be taking Callie to San Diego next month so we figured it was time to get her used to long car rides. So off we went. She slept the whole way! She woke up a bit when we arrived but not much so we had a nice time with Grandma Tere and bought some wine. Afterwards we drove back home after I nursed her in the car and she slept pretty much the whole time back. She had a really rough time once the pain kicked in from the vaccines. Her screams almost broke me. It was the worst sound I have ever heard in my life. The scream of your child that is in so much pain and is so confused about it. And what can you do? Almost nothing. It was absolutely heartbreaking. We cried together as I rocked her to try to calm her down as much as possible. It worked off and on. And then she would wake up and start all over. Pretty soon it was time for us to get ready for our dinner plans. Bill had jokingly told me we were going to Taco Bell (he used to work there in highschool). I was so very close to telling Bill we couldn't possibly go with Callie like this. But we knew she was in good hands with Grandma Tere who had most likely seen worse with us! So we went to dinner after I got myself together. Bill drove us into the parking lot of Taco Bell and I was momentarily concerned! Then he kept going and then drove into the Home Depot : "Ya, we're gonna eat dinner at the hot dog stand outside Home Depot." To which I said "Because you just loooove hot dogs!" Of course we kept going. Pretty soon we were in Saratoga going to my favorite restaurant, La Fondue. I was still feeling a little uneasy about what Callie was going through and more importantly what my mom was going through! When we sat down I got a text from my mom saying that she had gotten down a couple of ounces and was doing better. And suddenly so was I! So we were able to relax and enjoy our dinner. And I finally got to have one of their delicious Pear Martinis. I hadn't had one since a nearly infamous birthday bash a couple of years ago. But that's another story entirely! There was a large family was crazy loud, like so loud that I practically had to shout my order to our waitress. Bill said to think of it as retribution for her obnoxious our group must have been during said birthday bash. Soon they left and all was quiet again. It was so nice to be able to have a long conversation not punctuated by screaming or feeding or diaper changes. Definitely nice to have a break. We skipped dessert, which is almost criminal at La Fondue, in order to get back home to our girl. And besides, we were stuffed! When we came home our girl was asleep! I couldn't believe it! Although it didn't last for long. Mom gave me the run down on the night's events. No fever but some pretty eventful vomiting. Poor Mom earned her Grandma stripes last night! Callie heard my voice and woke up. We stayed up with her and fed her a bit. She was still pretty awake but I was exhausted so we decided to try to put her down and amazingly it worked! So a pretty wacky anniversary but we took stock of how many changes have come our way in the last 5 years and we are so happy to share these new adventures together. Its funny to think that 5 years ago we were knee deep in flapper outfits, feather boas, art deco and finger weaves. Having kids wasn't on our radar at all, yet we were still surrounded by love and support. Here's to 5 years!

A long successful day

I made a conscious decision yesterday that I wanted to nurse more in public. It seemed silly to be rushing home with a screaming baby. I know the law: it is not obscenity, anywhere it is legal for the baby to be it is legal to nurse. And honestly, if people have a problem with it, that's their issue not mine. They have a right to be uncomfortable but my baby girl can't feed herself so this is a necessity. No one would blink an eye if you ate a snack anywhere in public and I really see no difference. I had played around with it the previous day out of necessity. We had gone to the baby storytime at the Cambrian library and she was doing great so I decided to stop at Le Bou so I could get a sandwich and she melted down between the car and the restaurant. So I found a fairly secluded patio seat to nurse her in. Nothing terribly happened. No weird looks of people walking by (that I noticed anyway) and in fact a couple of women came up to me to tell me what a beautiful baby I had. So, I decided to try again the next day.
So I purposely didn't bring any pumped breastmilk with me on our very busy day yesterday. We left the house around 10 so I could stop by babies r us and target. I needed to get some disposable diapers for our trip to San Diego next month, so not going to mess with lugging around cloth diapers for a week! I had originally decided to go to BRUs because I had a coupon for a 2 packages of diapers for $35, not noticing that they were packages of 150 diapers! Obviously it makes sense for people that are just using disposables, but that's not us, so I opted for the earth friendlier ones that have no chlorine, dyes or fragrances. Also bought a baby pool so Grandma Tere can teach Callie to swim:) She certainly already has the kicking thing down! She was doing great so we went over to Target so I could pick up a gift card for a friend's baby shower on Saturday. I thought I could push it and find a card too, but no...it was eating time! So I paid for my gift card and spotted some comfy looking chairs outside target in the foodcourt area and given it was early morning there weren't many people around. So we settled in and nursed. No problems. Then I popped home to pick up my workout pants for yoga and met a mom friend for lunch. And of course my little miss got hungry in the restaurant. She started yelling and I tried to calm her down to no avail. There was a group of men eating lunch across the way and a couple of them made a point of turning around very slowly to look at what was making the noise. I'm not sure what they expected to find, but it was a baby! Shocking! So I nursed at the table. Again no real problems. We went to yoga and had to nurse again. Baby girl was snacking now! By the end of class she was dead asleep so I decided to go meet some other moms and do the stroller hike at Rancho. Of course she was great until I went to get her out of the car. There was only one other mom there with a 3 week old and her toddler so I nursed Callie in the car a bit and then we stopped a bit into the hike too, since little Holly got hungry too. After our hike we headed home. A successful day! I think the key to nursing in public is a healthy dose of apathy about other people's drama. When I get right down to it, my baby needs to eat and I will take care of my baby waaay before I get upset about other people's hangups.

First Father's Day

Today was a lovely day! Callie has kept up with the sleeping thing, for 3 nights in a row she has slept for 8+ straight hours at night. We decided today to have a bbq for father's day and perhaps visit a winery for Bill's first father's day. We hit up the Campbell Farmer's Market and tried out our new Ergo baby carrier. It worked out really well, much easier than trying to navigate a very busy market with a stroller. She slept the whole time. We found some amazing lamb sausage and some veggies. We stopped in at Whole Foods on the way home for some side dishes and buns. Callie was melting down so I went back out to the car while Bill paid for our stuff. As I was putting Callie in the car while she was screaming, this woman came up to me, probably in her early 50s. She was dying to get a peek at Callie and told me "Oh! she has the newborn cry! I love that cry! That sound is music to my ears!" I smiled and laughed but inside I was thinking "What are you crazy? Am I going to someday miss this high pitched, shrill scream?" Who knows. We headed home and fired up the grill and my dad came over to join in the fun. It was a beautiful day and the sausage was incredible!! We topped it off with some lemonade from our meyer lemon tree and some couscous. It was getting a bit late to make a run for the winery so we decided to walk down to our local winebar instead. We put Callie in the stroller and walked down to the alameda and found a very empty winebar. We got some tapas, sweet potato and black bean burritos, brushetta and a cheese plate. We each got a glass of red wine, temparnillo for Bill and Zin for me. It was lovely. We walked back home and mellowed out for the night. A wonderful first father's day.

Our Night Out

Last night we were at our good friends' wedding, Mario and Fiona. It was a beautiful wedding! It took place at Elliston Vineyard in Sunol. We walked in and of course I saw a couple that brought their baby. He was such a cutie! Between the ceremony and the reception we were behind them and the little boy locked eyes with me while he was sucking on his mom's arm. It was like he knew I had left my baby girl at home. I felt a tad guilty. So I moved so he wasn't staring at me anymore. The ceremony was lovely but a tad windy! Poor Fiona and her veil!

We had a great time at the reception. Bill is always very entertaining at these things. He called the Jordan Almond favors dinosaur eggs and started offering dinosaur eggs to people. Surprisingly they said no! Mario and Fiona (I'm guessing this was more of Mario's doing) had all of their friends come out on the dance floor after the first dance and the mother/son, father/daughter dances. Mario made very sure that we came out on the floor. And what was the song? The song from the Cantina scene in Star Wars. It was hilarious! And the song went on and on and on... Bill also had some fun with the napkins on the tables. I made the mistake of telling him that his shirt matched the weddings colors/linens perfectly. You'd think after 10 years with this man that I would stop saying things like that. He decided to make the napkin into a very bulky pocket square. Some very funny pictures ensued.


During the reception I was talking to the bride's aunt and got the whole story on Fiona's stunning wedding dress. When Fiona's mother and aunt had recently come to the united states and her aunt was getting married they went to buy a wedding dress. Fiona's mom came along and told her sister "Someone might want to marry me someday, Can I come with you?" And of course dear mom had to come along too. The girls tried on their first dress and said it was the one. Their mother said "No. You must try on many more dresses." So they did, but still bought the first one. She told me the lace used to be the same color as the dress, but because it was linen now the irish lace looks more ivory and the dress itself looks white. It was stunning. According to Fiona's aunt the dress fit Fiona perfectly. We had mentioned during the wedding that it looked like the dress was made for her. I had assumed she had a custom made wedding dress! It was just so cool that the dress had stayed in the family and clearly it was meant to be!


We had a wonderful time at the wedding. It was definitely nice to go out. It was an odd feeling though, like we were back in our old life but it didn't quite fit. When we were driving home I told Bill that I would feel empty if we weren't coming home to our daughter. He agreed. How quickly life changes you.

8 Is The Magic Number

So apparently all those people I've met that said everything changes at 8 weeks weren't totally full of it. The last two days have been amazing with Callie! For really the first time, I've been able to totally enjoy my time with her. She is smiling and responding to things around her, to sounds I make, to the way I touch/tickle her. She seems to recognize me. It is really incredible. And for the first time since we left the hospital I can honestly say I absolutely love being Callie's mother.

A good day! Finally!

We had a really good day today. Hooray! She woke up around 6, we fed and then went back to sleep for a while. Bill made us breakfast before he had to make a conference call for work around 10. We fed again around 10, with a little fussing, but when she screamed we just took a break and put in the pacifier or walked around. Then I switched sides even though I could tell there was plenty of milk in the first breast, but it made her happy so that's what we do!
I went to meet some mom friends at noon, not realizing that our lunch date was NEXT thursday! Oh well. Callie and I had a nice lunch, well I had a nice lunch and she slept. We went to our yoga class. And as luck would have it she was absolutely perfect up until class started! The stinker. So I fed her a bit and used the pacifier and soon she was fine, especially when we got to use scarves in our yoga poses. She loved it! It was like you could hear her say: "Ooooooh. Pretty!" We finished up and she of course was dead asleep by the end of the class. We had some time to share out with the group with our struggles which helped.
We headed home where Bill was trimming the ginormous hedges. We fed for a bit and then a friend came over who taught us a bit of infant massage to help with the colic and the acid reflux. I went to lay down with her for a while and we tried doing a lying down hold to feed and it worked fairly well except she kept falling asleep. But that's ok, we got a good nap in! We got up and did a real feeding and headed out to REI to get a wedding present for some friends getting married this weekend and managed to eat dinner out at Chevy's. As dinner was winding down she started getting antsy so I took her out of the stroller so she could gawk at all the lights in the restaurant. We got home and discovered a poopy diaper, finally! She's been going every other day, which may be part of the reason why she gets so upset at night. So it was time for a bath! And that was our day! A good one! If we have more days like today with minimal fussing I can definitely handle it! What do you say Callie? Same plan tomorrow?

High Hopes for a Wednesday

I was really hoping to have a nice positive post today, but alas Miss Callie had other ideas. The morning started off ok. She was yelling, but I decided, damn it, we're going to go to Barefoot for coffee. So we did. She calmed down for the most part during the drive over. And who should we run into? Daddy! So we had a bagel and coffee together this morning. Once Callie started getting cranky again we went home. She was moderately ok when we got back then we got a visit from Callie's godmother. She started off ok, so I had high hopes of having Michelle hold Callie while I got a few things done around the house but it was not to be. Callie only wanted to be held by me. Michelle was nice enough to help with some things around the house and bring by some lunch and some movies for us. Then all hell broke loose after she left. Callie just could not be consoled. She was so so so fussy. I knew it was bad when she was yelling and before I knew what I was doing I was yelling back at her saying "What do you want??" At that point, I was like, "Ooookay. timeout." Now that its behind me I just have to laugh a little. Clearly she can't tell me what she wants but I just couldn't hack it anymore. We took a time out and I counted the hours until Bill was coming home. She took a couple of mini naps so I had time to pump and relax a little. Bill came home and mom dropped off some dinner for us, which was amazing. She fussed most of the evening as well. I really tried to keep nursing her but it was just too much for both of us. So out came the bottle of pumped breastmilk again. She is sleeping at the moment and I realllllly hope that she will sleep tonight. Luckily, Bill is going to be working remotely tomorrow so I will have an extra pair of hands tomorrow.

One of My Favorite Things

One of my favorite things with Callie is bathtime. We've started giving her more baths because it seems to make her sleep longer at night. She just loves loves loves the warm water! She gets a goofy grin on her face and will just kick her legs the whole time. I just love watching her when she is like that. It is one of my favorite things about having her around.

The Low Point

I've been struggling at night to keep it together. It coincides with the nights when Callie won't nurse, which is most nights. She will start and then pull off and scream. I try to get her back on but she usually just continues to scream and scream. Usually she will take a bottle at that point. I just take it so personally, like what is wrong with me that she won't feed from me? I know in my head that night is when she is colicky and that is when my milk supply is lowest and I am exhausted after being with her on my own for a good 12 hours. But when I am in the moment I just deflate.

We were at a friend's house for a party last night and of course the inevitable happened. I went to feed her in another room and she melted down. Bill gave her the bottle we brought (which I almost didn't bring) and I spent the rest of our time at the party feeling totally dejected and alone even though I was surrounded by friends. We said our goodbyes and headed for the elevator. And then of course she calmed down. It may have just been too overstimulating for her at the party. It was a bit on the loud side. I spent the drive home staring at her wondering why we can't work together on this thing. Bill tried to talk to me but I was shut down and utterly exhausted. I went to lie down and he came in and said 4 words that I never wanted to hear: "I'm worried about you." Over the course of the night I thought to myself: "You know what? I should be down and exhausted. For the entire day it is just me and her. No one else. Me." And for most of our time together we are good. I never think about doing harm to her or me. I do think about running away from all of this, but I don't think that is unusual. Would I actually do it? No way. And I thought about my first struggles with teaching. And I thought about how I would explain what it was like to people who aren't teachers, especially those who think its cake, those types that say "Must be nice to only work 9 months out of the year." And that phrase was " you are just always on." And I realized that being a mom is being way more on than being a teacher. As a teacher I have a prep period and a lunch period and I have a door that locks. I don't have that luxury as a mom. She literally needs me to ensure her survival.

I was still ruminating on all of this when I went on a stroller hike today. We met at Byxbee Park in Palo Alto. I had never been there before so we left early. Callie had been an angel all day so of course she decided to melt down right when we were going to get started. I got her mostly calmed down and we started our walk. I was talking to Amy, the organizer,about how we were doing. I didn't say much but she just knew. She asked how old Callie was and I told her 7 weeks. Suddenly she was saying things outloud that I had been rolling over in my head. "How do people do this? Why do people like this? What is wrong with me that I don't love this? How am I going to get through this because I hate it?" She told me that 7-8 weeks was her absolute low point and she didn't know how she was going to get through it. She said after that was when she came out of her fog and things got better: her daughter started doing more and getting more of a personality. She also told me not to judge my feelings about being a mom on what is going on right now. It gave me so much hope! So if I can just get through a couple more weeks maybe this will even out. Keeping fingers crossed!

Little Victories

We made it to Baby yoga today and I met two very cool moms and they invited us out to do lunch before class on thursday. One of them just moved here from Canada and has a 2 month old little boy. Callie also made it through class without spitting up, which I wasn't too sure if she would or not, given that her whole spitting up thing started after we had class last week. I also managed to be able to eat a meal in the middle of the day! Normally I had been lucky to get 2 meals in by the time Bill got home at 7 which I know is not very healthy. Today I got in a bagel for breakfast and made some soup for lunch. I really miss being able to cook, and granted, heating up soup certainly isn't a culinary masterpiece it was a little victory for me!

Maternal Instincts: Does Everyone Have Them?

I had a rough patch with Callie yesterday. She was fussing and I just felt like I should know what she needs by now. I felt like maybe I don't have maternal instincts because of it. While I was pregnant everyone kept telling me that I was going to be a great mother, because of my personality I guess, but I can't help thinking that maybe I just don't have those so-called mothering instincts. I can't seem to tell when she's tired vs when she's hungry vs when she has gas, etc. I really thought by almost 2 months I would have this down. Does that ever happen? Do other moms struggle with that? Bill just kind of methodically goes through the list of possible solutions, but I just get so frustrated with it. Maybe because Callie's tears/screams affect me so much more profoundly than Bill. Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to figure her out, well at least until she can just tell me what she wants:) Oh that will be glorious! When I went on a stroller hike last week there was a dad who said "You spend the whole first year wishing for them to talk and the remaining 17 years wishing they would shut up."

Adventures in Nursing

To say that breastfeeding has been a challenge would be putting it lightly. The first days (while we were in the hospital) are kind of the epitome of this adventure. The first day it went perfectly. People were shocked we were taking to it so well. Then on Sunday, the day we were supposed to go home, it all fell apart. Which of course meant, I fell apart too. Part of the problem is that Callie has a super suck. Most of the nurses, doctors, midwives and lactation consultants said it was a blessing but my nipples would not agree! On that last day we were lucky we had an incredible nurse, Farida, that got the lactation consultant to come and see us. She was wonderful! So we went home feeling ok about the whole thing. By the time we got home my milk still wasn't in yet so feeding was an excercise in pain and frustration. I will forever remember a moment that unfolded in our bedroom after we brought Callie home. Callie was frustrated with the amount of colostrum and wouldn't stop crying. And I totally fell apart. I had this feeling that I couldn't give her what she needed. My mom and my husband Bill were there and they both just held me and told me it was normal to struggle with this. So we decided to give her formula that night. For some reason I felt like that was a total defeat. Somehow I have gotten it into my head that formula = bad. I have no idea how or where this came from but I felt like a terrible mother when we gave her that formula. That night formula came streaming out of her nose and I felt like my initial instinct was right, that we had made a mistake by giving her formula. In the following weeks when my milk came in we still struggled. We would have a good feeding or even a good feeding day and I would think to myself, "Okay! We got this down!" and of course it would all fall apart. We are still constantly struggling with it. Now our struggle is with spitting up/throwing up after she eats. I want to be able to feel the connection with her when I feed her but it is so frustrating at times. I just so want to do the right thing and give her the best I can but sometimes the thought of formula is an attractive one! Maybe nursing will always be a struggle, who knows. As Bill and I have said so many times in the last 7 weeks: I didn't think this was going to be easy, but I certainly didn't think it would be this hard.

Mama Blog

I felt the need to have a place to blog about this mother adventure that was separate from Callie's blog. I have been amazed by this roller coaster the past 7 weeks, some of it amazing some of it heart wrenching. One of the hardest things for me was that I felt that motherhood was so idealized and romanticized that when I struggled with breastfeeding or dealing with the tears I felt like a failure. But when I opened up to other moms about it they all nodded in agreement and shared their stories. And that was so surprising to me, that we all go through the same drama but don't necessarily open up about it unless someone else will admit to it.
I hope to be able to write and process it here. Stay tuned for the mama drama!