I absolutely cannot believe, as I look at the date, that in a few short weeks we will be celebrating Callie's first birthday. Thinking back to the early days (of what I remember) that day seemed an impossible destination. Those early days were so incredibly hard. Even just the physical nature of it. Healing from childbirth isn't easy, plus with an episiotemy on top of it, I was a mess.
I want to take a moment to call out the people that made it so that we will be celebrating Callie's year mark on April 23rd.
Bill and my Mom are at the very tip top of that list. I lost count of how many times I collapsed into tears and they always knew what to say to pick me back up and to make me feel like I didn't, well, suck at this whole mom thing.
My darkest time was when Bill was going back to work. I felt so alone and deserted. A great deal of it was self imposed. I was so jealous that he got to have another life outside of Callie. I was terrified of what my new life was about to become. I have always been afraid of failing. I associated asking for help with "I can't do this. What were we thinking having this baby? I can't do it."
I would count the hours until Mom was done at school and could send a pleading email or text message. That way she couldn't hear my tears and feelings of failure. I truly don't know how to thank her for everything she did for us. Thank you mom for the simple gift of warm food. It made such a difference in my body and mind set. Thank you for holding her and looking at her with such love. I made me think that I could too. Thank you for giving advice, gently. Thank you for taking care of Callie so Bill and I could reconnect in a small way, even if it was just to see Iron Man 2 and eat sushi. Thank you for watching her for a few hours each week so I can focus on my health and my marriage.
Thank you Bill for taking care of Callie when I couldn't. Thank you for putting Callie in the onesie that said "Mommy loves me" even when I wasn't sure if it was true. Thank you for not letting go of me. Thank you for loving her so much and for trying to figure out who we are as a family. Our world has changed and I feel so blessed to have you on this journey with me.
Thank you Bill for saying the words "I am worried about you." They were the words that sent me looking for Harmony.
My adjustment to motherhood group at Harmony was another life saver, literally. Specifically, Sharon, Courtney and Lauren. Courtney, your little nuggets of no-bullshit-truth kept me afloat and I still recite some of them to my friends that have little ones and we all nod and say, 'Ya!! So true!" It was so nice to have a place where I could cry and feel like I sucked and someone would tell me I was doing ok, that I wasn't totally screwing this kid up. They gave me a place to say "PPD" and not feel as bad about it. I knew I wasn't alone and that meant a great deal.
To Valerie, thank you for all of your advice and reminding me that "this too shall pass." Thank you for all the food and clothes and for time with your girls. It helped tremendously to see that they don't stay screaming, useless balls for too long. Thank you for dinner when Bill couldn't come home. It meant more to me than you can know that I had a place to be.
To Michelle, Kat and Viv for being my connection to the "real" world. For lunches and cocktails and a reminder that I wasn't lost for good.
Thank you Debbie and Stroller Hikes for getting me into the sunshine and the fresh air.
Thank you Megan for setting up Foodtidings. Thank you for giving us the gift of infant massage. It made dealing with Callie's colic a little easier.
To Tara and Bethany for giving us a beautiful, healthy little girl.
Tara, you were my rock and I can't imagine Callie's big day without you. Thank you for seeing my weakest moment and not judging me for it. Thank you for believing in me so much that I couldn't help but believe in my strength too. Thank you for some of my favorite pictures of all time. You captured the beauty and exhilaration of Callie's first moments. Thank you for coming over after she was home to help me with breastfeeding and reminding me to enjoy those newborn smells and snuggles.
Thank you Marti, Tiffany and Fran for making my body stronger and feeling like "me" again.
To the Las Madres mamas, especially Lorraine, Fran, Melissa, Krissy and Erica. Thank you for giving me reasons to get out of the house everyday. Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy, or at least we are all crazy together.
To the baristas at Barefoot, thanks for being our second home.
Thank you Callie for sticking around until I could get, at least some of this mom stuff figured out. Thank you for being you. In the end, I wouldn't have it any other way.
you are an amazing mommy, one look at callie can tell anyone that, she is thriving! we all struggle, we all doubt and we all have days (weeks?) where it just feels like a big mommy FAIL, but few of us handle it with the grace, humor and style you have! you had the courage to take a step back, re-evaluate, make time for yourself and your marriage which all of us desperately should but occasionally (or most of the time) fail to do...callie is lucky to have you in her life, as are all of us who count you as a friend
ReplyDeleteThere is courage in honesty. You will never know how many people you have helped by telling your story. Love you and Callie and even Billiam! I may not be able to say "I know how you feel" but I'll always be there to listen. One and done, right?! It's all downhill from here (until, like, 13 that is).
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely more fun being crazy together!
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