I am definitely hitting a wall. I am really having trouble staying the course with nursing Callie. I am just so over it. I am so over being pulled on, bit, scratched and everything in between. She practically pulls my shirt off when she is hungry, and that is just sooo nice in public.
Every now and then I glance at my body in the mirror and I sink just a little. I am covered with blood blisters from being pinched and grabbed. There are scratches all over my neck and face. My stretch marks haven't faded much and I just have an overwhelming feeling of wanting my body back. Its been 18 months since my body was really my own.
I know that breastfeeding is the best gift I can give Callie, but sometimes it just plain sucks. Everytime I go into buy buy baby or the grocery store I think about buying formula, but I never do. Guilt guilt guilt. I just can't win! Either I am totally exhausted by being a 24 hour buffet or I'm a lazy mom. Ugh. I know there are plenty of happy, healthy formula fed babies, Christ, both Bill and I were formula fed. But something just won't let me. I know it doesn't help that all she wants to do is nurse these days. I think we have a tooth coming. Which of course makes the nighttime rituals a little tougher as well.
In some ways, breastfeeding is very inhibitive. Bill is going to be going on a long weekend bachelor party (that is SOOO another blog post in itself!) in a couple of months and when he first brought it up, I thought to myself "When do I get to go away for a long weekend or even a night out with the girls or by myself? Then I immediately thought of what a giant pain in the ass it would be to pump enough milk to cover that kind of time. And went, oh forget it." In fact, the thought process went so fast, I didn't even verbalize any of it!
Just needed a rant...Maybe I will start pumping more and have Daddio feed her more. Cuz Mama is tired of being a piece of meat.
Mamas, how do you keep the faith?
Oh my goodness! You are so sweet. I desperately wanted to breastfeed Clare and was unable to (long story that is probably the length of your "rant" above so I won't go into it here). I had to make the decision to stop after only four weeks and was so mortified/scared/embarrassed/depressed . . . the list truly goes on. I was talking to my friend about it when making the decision and said, "I just don't feel like I've been a mom long enough to know how much I am supposed to suffer for my child." Her very sound and rational response was, "It's not like the alternative you are giving her is liquid Drano." I burst out laughing and pretty much made the decision right then. Despite everyone and their dog (and his vet) telling me the benefits of breastfeeding and my intense desire to experience this with her, I realized that what I was going through was not anything my daughter would WANT me to go through if she had her say (there were many, many problems). And yes, there was a completely viable alternative. It was absolutely heartbreaking for me not to be able to give her this gift of myself. But after going through about a week of guilt, tears, anger and a million other emotions, many good things opened up for the whole family. Everyone (including her---she was actually getting fed the amount she needed) was much happier. Steve loved participating in the process, we all slept better, and though I still get little pangs, I don't regret the decision. And my little girl is very healthy, which is all that matters really in the long run. Whatever you decide, it is the right decision. That's all I can tell you. Just don't beat yourself up about whatever the decision is! :D Holly
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate. I was just thinking the other day how nice it would be to:
ReplyDelete1. eat dairy
2. wear a normal bra
3. run without dooming my breasts to everlasting saggage.
I definitely miss feeling like my body is my own. We've had to start supplementing Mary with formula because I just can't pump enough to sustain her through 8 hours of daycare each day. I felt like a failure at first, but she is still getting some breastmilk and she's happy as a clam with the formula. And like you said, Chris and I were both formula fed and we turned out okay.
I think the idea of having Daddy give her a bottle now and then is great. Chris gives Mary a bottle every night and it is my time to do something special for myself. It's also a nice bonding moment for dad and daughter.
I think we take the best care of our children when we remember to take care of ourselves. You are an amazing momma, so feel confident that what ever decision you make, it is the right one for you and Callie. Marisa